As a parent I had an idea there would be certain phrases I would say a lot such as “wash your hands”, “don’t run” or “use your inside voice.” I was not aware that other phrases would exist like “get that out of your mouth.”, “No biting”, “get that out of your nose” or “don’t lick your sister.”  No matter if you are a veteran or first time parent, we forget that some things that are common knowledge or common sense to us, the adult, is not that case to our beloved little ones. Even though they are young our children’s brains are in a constant state of learning and absorbing. Noticing that our children will have their own set of thoughts, thoughts that may differ from ours is yet another parental skill few talk about. This skill is theory of mind, let’s dive in.

What is it?

Theory of mind is the cognitive ability to be able to assign that we have thoughts, feelings, morals, beliefs and experiences and that other people have these as well*. It’s the understanding that an individual’s set of thoughts, feelings, morals, beliefs and experiences can be different than someone else, without the label of it being viewed as better/worse or inferior/superior than one’s own experience.  For example, let’s say my favorite movie is The Goonies.  My ability to utilize theory of mind would mean that I know my best friend Kiana may also have a favorite movie. I would also know that my friend’s favorite movie may not be The Goonies. Practicing theory of mind would also mean that that not only do I know that Kiana may have a favorite movie and that it may be different from my favorite movie, I could also conceptualize her choice in movie doesn’t make it better or worse than mine.

Let’s do another example, Laura makes the choice to breast feed because she believes it is the best for her child. Let’s say that  she believe all the mom’s in my mommy and me group also breast feed, failed theory of mind part 1 because she is assuming everyone’s experience is the same as hers. When Laura learns that another mom in the play group uses formula she goes on a tirade on how making this choice makes the other woman a subpar mother, failed theory of mind part 2. When we fail to use theory of mind we are making the assumption that our view of life is the only view and in some cases the right view. . Because Laura was quick to dismiss someone else’s experience she missed out on understanding why the other mother isn’t breast feeding as it could be because the other mother is struggling to produce milk or perhaps the other mother has adopted her baby and isn’t producing milk.  The reality is everyone’s life experiences are different and people’s morals and beliefs have been generated based off their life experiences. When we don’t acknowledge this, when we don’t participate in theory of mind our ability to perspective take and empathize with others becomes non-existent. Theory or mind is not only for the adults who you interact with its also an important component of being a parent.

Why do I need it as a parent?

Our children will view the world different from us. My children live in a world with smart phones, YouTube and social media, all things that did not exist when I was a kid. The world is an ever-changing place, and these changes play a role in our children’s overall experiences and interactions with others. To be able to use theory of mind allows parents to demonstrate understanding and validation of their child’s perspective on how a certain situation went. “It’s disappointing that your ice cream fell on the ground.” When we use theory of mind with our children (and others) we are taking a moment to “try on someone else’s experience” to get a better understanding on how that other person may think or feel. In short you are able to better understand how your child’s brain works which will help you parent them more efficiently.

How can I practice this?

If we want to get better at something it requires practice, Theory of mind is no different. Here are some ways to practice Theory of mind on your own and help foster this skill with your child(ren).

• Metacognitive Questions- Questions that help our children think about their own thinking. An example could be “How do you think Nemo felt when he got taken from the ocean?” To learn more on this you can read my previous post metacognitive questions, click the link To think or not to think… that is the question.
• Reflective listening-Summarizing what some has said to you as a way to build your understanding of what they are trying to communicate. “What I hear you saying is you like Minecraft because it lets you go on cool adventures and build stuff.”
• Interpersonal curiosity– Being curious to gain information, and ideally, understanding about other people. This includes learning about other’s experiences, thoughts, emotions and interests. To learn more on this you can read my previous post on Interpersonal curiosity, click the link Get a Little Curious

I appreciate you taking the time to read this post, as I’m just trying to offer a few words of wisdom in a complex world. I hope you found it helpful or maybe you are already doing all of what I suggested, and it just feels good to feel affirmed. Here are the takeaways:

• Theory of mind is the cognitive ability to be able to assign that we have thoughts, feelings, morals, beliefs and experiences and that other people have these as well. It’s the understanding that an individual’s set of thoughts, feelings, morals, beliefs and experiences can be different than someone else, without the label of it being viewed as better/worse or inferior/superior to one’s own experience.  
• When we use theory of mind with our children (and others) we are taking a moment to “try on someone else’s experience” to get a better understanding on how that other person may think or feel. In short you are able to better understand how your child’s brain works, which will help you parent them more efficiently.
• How to practice theory of mind:
  • Metacognitive Questions- Questions that help our children think about their own thinking. An example could be “How do you think Nemo felt when he got taken from the ocean?” To learn more on this you can read my previous post metacognitive questions, click the link To think or not to think… that is the question.
  • Reflective listening-Summarizing what some has said to you as a way to build your understanding of what they are trying to communicate. “What I hear you saying is you like Minecraft because it lets you go on cool adventures and build stuff.”
  • Interpersonal curiosity– Being curious to gain information, and ideally, understanding about other people. This includes learning about other’s experiences, thoughts, emotions and interests. To learn more on this you can read my previous post on Interpersonal curiosity, click the link Get a Little Curious

Parenting is hard and I am here to help. I offer parenting support services to help you in this journey called parenthood. If you would like to set up a time to chat my contact information is below.

Jennifer Bailey, LCSW & RDT

jbaileytherapyservices@gmail.com

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